Bikini Diva

My dad passed away in October 2011. He had a heart attack. My mom found him on the bathroom floor. He was only 60 years old. My dad was a rock. He scared every boyfriend I had growing up. He was mister fix it. He had the answer/resolution for everything. He survived lung cancer. I witnessed him going through chemo and then though surgery where they cut him sternum to spine. That was the only time I can remember my dad hurt. I remember sitting next to him in the recovery area with all sorts of tubes coming out of him and he hated me (so it seemed) seeing him like that. I prepared at that time for him to pass away...but he survived instead.

After the surgery he worked on gaining his strength back but he never seemed happy. I think he was depressed still afterwards because he wanted to recover faster than he was able to, his kids had both moved away and my mom and him separated. He was living in a 3 bedroom house all alone. I don't tell you this because I want you to feel bad or my family to feel guilty. I moved away too and he wanted me to. He wanted me to live my life. I am just trying to paint a picture of a survivor still being trapped by his environment, his body, his mind and emotions but still he always wanted the best for me.

You can never really be prepared for your dad to die. I remember my immediate reaction when my brother called me was "you're not joking are you Jake?" I don't want to lie...I was a bitch to my dad up until college or so. I was a typical teenage, mean to my parents, maybe meaner than most. We finally had it out and I felt like we finally had a chance at the father/daughter relationship I always wanted. I just wish we had more time together once the white flags were flown.

The last weekend I saw my dad he bought me a bike for my birthday. It was a rode bike I was going to ride in my first triathlon. I rode it once between the time he bought it and the time he passed and I have never got on it since. I hate looking at the thing or even moving it. Sine he died I have also grown 4 dress sizes and hate to admit it but I have a drinking problem. I drink probably every day now but manage to keep myself composed so no one knows. I remember my girlfriend looking at me and saying "really no way Corinne" when I told her I was 40 pounds over weight. I ate and drank my emotions for the past year.

No more.

My dad would never have wanted me to live this way. He would have wanted me to be the best I can be. To give a 110% and not to quit. He would have wanted me to be happy and healthy. Not sitting in my living room drinking a whole bottle of wine (I'm talking about the big ones) by myself and still wishing I had another one. I have done this for a year and have run out of excuses. It's time to mourn my father in a positive way.

For those of you who follow Tosca Reno she did reps for Bob. She did it right away after his passing. For me it took a year of depression and mourning. I'm dedicating this year, this journey, to getting myself onto the competitor stage for my dad. If he can go through cancer, then I can handle this challenge. If he could handle always being my rock, then I can handle becoming a rock. I know he will be with me every step of the way. He will cheer me on, be my mister fix it and help me be honest. I am going to live the life he wanted me to live AND the life I want to live.

I hope you're ready for this Dad, 'cause I am gonna need all the energy you can send me. I love you and I miss you every day.